The Pants Offensive

A SWAT team officer was left hanging 20 stories high on the side of a building during a high priority raid of a corporate high-rise where a disturbed office worker took several hostages in an armed standoff.

After being rescued from the side of the building after hanging for several hours with his pants around his ankles, officer White said, “It wouldn’t have been so bad, except that the perp saw my ass hanging in the window and thought it was a scare tactic.  He then doubled all his demands and became more violent, threatening to harm the hostages if I didn’t stop pressing my butt cheeks against the window.  But I couldn’t help it.  There wasn’t much I could do.  Not much at all.  Stupid pants.”

Pants shown plotting their offensive

People, you may have heard.  You may have seen.  You may have felt it.  And you are right… pants are plotting their offensive against us all around the world.

Here you can see a group of sneaky pants scheming in their shifty ways to mastermind some sort of attack on us.

The CIA reports that they have undercover operatives attempting to infiltrate the pants clans and uncover their secret plans for jihad.

Nationwide, FBI and local law enforcement officials have posted alerts to citizens to be on the lookout for gangs of suspicious pants hanging out.  They stress the importance of notifying local authorities rather than trying to approach or instigate the pants in any way due to the gravity of the situation and the rising tension levels between pants and people.

What could they be up to?  According to our CTUPD (Counter Terrorist Unit Pants Division), pants are most likely plotting revenge for all the hungry cracks who try to eat them all the time.  Evidently the animosity over the hungry butt situation has been slowly mounting among pants for some time, and the anger and resentment has been stewing, waiting to ignite into an all out pants offensive.

Have you seen what pants do when you’re sleeping? Not only do they throw food and make big huge messes, they also like to pile furniture on top of you to see if you notice. Many times you don’t even realize it because they are very sneaky. And when you wake up you think the maid did it. You never suspect pants because they always are done before you wake up and sit there not saying a word.

i hate it when pants do this

Pants will often wreak havoc around you when you are taking a nap.  Look at this poor woman.  Her pants ate her hamburgers and threw her food all over the place and then blamed her for doing it.  See how moody pants can be?  See how sneaky they are?  Just sitting there looking all innocent like.  It’s best to not wear them when you have food around you.  It’s also best to not wear grungy danky bed slippers out in public, especially when your toes look like evil zombie death.

Here’s an example of just how confusing pants can be.  Especially after you’ve had too much of the sauce and your mind is weakened.