The Pants Offensive

Pants can’t be trusted by themselves.  Oftentimes they will destroy your room if left alone for too long.  This is due to their shifty and aggressive behavior, and explosive temperament.

Evidence of Pants Destruction

Don’t let your room succumb to the same fate as this one.  There are steps you can take to protect yourself from this.

You can:

• Lock all pants in your closet.  Warning, your closet most likely will suffer from the same fate, but at least it’s a smaller area to clean up.
• Tie your pants up with rope.  They can still roll around this way, but it keeps their flailing to a minimum.
• Hire a pants-sitter.  Good pants-sitters are hard to find, but can be located if you do your due-diligence.  Many will charge high rates because of the high stress levels of watching pants.  Below are some qualities to look for in a good pants-sitter.

Traits of a good pants-sitter:

• A Sharp Eye.  You want your pants-sitter to have eyes like hawks.  Pants are very shifty and sneaky and the lazy watchers may not catch their stealthiness.
• Lightning Quick Reflexes.  Pants can spring to destruction at any time and the sitter must have lightning quick reflexes.
• Staredown Skills.  Top pants-sitters will have supreme stare-down skills.  Staring down pants is a good prevention for attack and a way to let pants know who is boss, but I must warn you, they are excellent at staring contests.  I’ve gone 8 hours before, without so much as a blink from pants.
• Strength.  Strength is good because pants are surprisingly strong.  I challenge you to try and rip a pair in half with your bare hands.  It’s extremely difficult.  While strength is good, it must be balanced with lightning-quick reflexes mentioned above.
• Weapons.  In a pants fight, there is no time to call 911 or backup.  It’s good to find pants-sitters who come prepared with advanced weaponry and the skills to use them.

The other day I went outside, while being forced to wear pants, and this is what happened.  A strange horde of angry cats showed up and would not leave!  I was very confused and scared, not really sure what to do.  Should I take my pants off?  Probably.

These cats just appeared out of nowhere because I was wearing pants. They wouldn't leave me alone what with their shifty eyes.

This man was walking down the street (foolishly wearing pants, mind you), when the pants attacked him.

You just can't trust pants

His first mistake was to trust pants.  They can never be trusted.  They like to attack you when no one is looking, causing you to fall on your face oftentimes.  They are tricky… those pants… because no one ever suspects them.  Look, they don’t even flee the scene of attack.  Instead they sit there feigning innocence.

You must be very careful when wearing pants.  Never turn your back on them and keep a leery eye.