This guy fell asleep on his couch after he came home from work.  While the TV was on, suddenly a screen full of static appeared and caused his pants to become possessed by Zuul and eggs to start cooking on his counter.  While he was still sound asleep, his Zuul-possessed pants walked him down to the local gas station, where it’s been rumored that a portal to Gozer exists behind the Mountain Dew refrigerator.

The photo captures the whole scene.  The dude was never heard from again, and Ray, Venkman, and Egon haven’t even been able to find him.

Yet another danger of wearing pants.  Definitely do not wear pants while watching Ghostbusters.  And be wary of secret Mountain Dew refrigerator portals lurking in your local gas station.

Pants were able to sneak in the explosive device and conceal it, inconspicuously ushering it past security checkpoints, metal detectors, K9 bomb sniffing dogs, and the casual unsuspecting public.

How did pants achieve this?  Because they have infiltrated our society.  Everyone is made to wear pants in some shape or form while flying.  If Umar had not been wearing pants, people would clearly have seen the explosive device hiding next to his twig ‘n berries before he even got on the plane.  “Hey, what’s that bomb doing in your underwear?”

Instead, pants brilliantly masterminded this attack attempt.  If no one was wearing pants, and Umar tried to wear pants to conceal the bomb, he would have been extremely suspicious and been searched by security for wearing pants.

The lesson here is, pants should be banned while flying because they are linked to terrorists.

Pants-wearer senselessly attacking non-pants-wearer

Be extremely cautious when approaching pants-wearers.  Keep your guard up constantly and be ever vigilant.  The Pants Offensive will stop at nothing to continue safeguarding and seeking protection for fellow pants-haters.

Evidence of Pants Destruction

Don’t let your room succumb to the same fate as this one.  There are steps you can take to protect yourself from this.

You can:

• Lock all pants in your closet.  Warning, your closet most likely will suffer from the same fate, but at least it’s a smaller area to clean up.
• Tie your pants up with rope.  They can still roll around this way, but it keeps their flailing to a minimum.
• Hire a pants-sitter.  Good pants-sitters are hard to find, but can be located if you do your due-diligence.  Many will charge high rates because of the high stress levels of watching pants.  Below are some qualities to look for in a good pants-sitter.

Traits of a good pants-sitter:

• A Sharp Eye.  You want your pants-sitter to have eyes like hawks.  Pants are very shifty and sneaky and the lazy watchers may not catch their stealthiness.
• Lightning Quick Reflexes.  Pants can spring to destruction at any time and the sitter must have lightning quick reflexes.
• Staredown Skills.  Top pants-sitters will have supreme stare-down skills.  Staring down pants is a good prevention for attack and a way to let pants know who is boss, but I must warn you, they are excellent at staring contests.  I’ve gone 8 hours before, without so much as a blink from pants.
• Strength.  Strength is good because pants are surprisingly strong.  I challenge you to try and rip a pair in half with your bare hands.  It’s extremely difficult.  While strength is good, it must be balanced with lightning-quick reflexes mentioned above.
• Weapons.  In a pants fight, there is no time to call 911 or backup.  It’s good to find pants-sitters who come prepared with advanced weaponry and the skills to use them.

You just can't trust pants

His first mistake was to trust pants.  They can never be trusted.  They like to attack you when no one is looking, causing you to fall on your face oftentimes.  They are tricky… those pants… because no one ever suspects them.  Look, they don’t even flee the scene of attack.  Instead they sit there feigning innocence.

You must be very careful when wearing pants.  Never turn your back on them and keep a leery eye.