The Pants Offensive

Ya know, it’s just really really dumb to wear pants in front of a bull.  Because bulls hate pants.  And they are mean.  And they weigh about ten times more than you, can run way faster than you, are 50 times stronger than you, and have big pointy horns.  One of their favorite things to do is try to spear their giant pointy horns right up your ass if you’re wearing pants.  So be careful.  It’s best to just not wear pants.

It’s the worst when pants drug you by poisoning your beers.  Because beers are so tasty.  And pants are so evil.  This guy fell victim to one such attack.  One minute he was drinking beers and hitting on ugly girls.  The next minute he was taken advantage of by pants.  My only question is what happened to his other arm?  I bet pants took it to give high-fives to their other pants friends about the whole thing.  Stupid pants.  They’re so pompous like that.

You may think this is a scene from The Matrix of a guy dodging an array of bullets matrix-style being shot from a gas station refrigerator case.  But let me tell you the real story of what happened here.

This guy fell asleep on his couch after he came home from work.  While the TV was on, suddenly a screen full of static appeared and caused his pants to become possessed by Zuul and eggs to start cooking on his counter.  While he was still sound asleep, his Zuul-possessed pants walked him down to the local gas station, where it’s been rumored that a portal to Gozer exists behind the Mountain Dew refrigerator.

The photo captures the whole scene.  The dude was never heard from again, and Ray, Venkman, and Egon haven’t even been able to find him.

Yet another danger of wearing pants.  Definitely do not wear pants while watching Ghostbusters.  And be wary of secret Mountain Dew refrigerator portals lurking in your local gas station.

While Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab gets all the attention for his attempt to blow up the airplane bound for Detroit on Christmas day 2009, it’s less talked about that he had a brilliant evil-genius for an accomplice… Pants.

Pants were able to sneak in the explosive device and conceal it, inconspicuously ushering it past security checkpoints, metal detectors, K9 bomb sniffing dogs, and the casual unsuspecting public.

How did pants achieve this?  Because they have infiltrated our society.  Everyone is made to wear pants in some shape or form while flying.  If Umar had not been wearing pants, people would clearly have seen the explosive device hiding next to his twig ‘n berries before he even got on the plane.  “Hey, what’s that bomb doing in your underwear?”

Instead, pants brilliantly masterminded this attack attempt.  If no one was wearing pants, and Umar tried to wear pants to conceal the bomb, he would have been extremely suspicious and been searched by security for wearing pants.

The lesson here is, pants should be banned while flying because they are linked to terrorists.

Non-pants-wearers continue to be persecuted by pants-wearers.  In senseless acts of violence across the globe, non-pants-wearers are falling victim to increasing pants-attacks.

Pants-wearer senselessly attacking non-pants-wearer

Be extremely cautious when approaching pants-wearers.  Keep your guard up constantly and be ever vigilant.  The Pants Offensive will stop at nothing to continue safeguarding and seeking protection for fellow pants-haters.