The Pants Offensive

Pants can be hated for many reasons.  Some of the top ones are

1. When power-squatting, they often rip and make loud ripping sounds, which sound like farts, and then people think you’re farting but really you’re just doing power squats.
2. When you’re lying, they are likely to catch on fire. So if you’re wearing them it can mean big trouble for you. Some people have reported cases of being left hanging from a telephone wire after such events.  It’s best to take pants off before telling lies, but then again, why are you wearing them in the first place?
3. Pants have never supported world peace. In fact, many of the world’s notorious dictators and warmongers were believed to wear pants every day. Coincidence? Hardly.
4. Pants are not natural. Most species on earth do not wear pants. Except for humans. Many people think animals are scared of us because of our destructive ways. Really they are afraid of pants and want nothing to do with pants.
5. Pants like to hide things from you. Many times I’ve lost several dollar bills in various denominations. After looking around, I notice pants with a shifty grin looking suspicious. I suspect something but can’t prove anything. And then sometimes I find these bills stashed away in the washer or dryer, which I know pants have been playing in.  One day I’ll get more solid evidence.