The Pants Offensive

They ruined his career and gave him giant teeth.

Even Michael Scott could run Dunder Mifflin better than pants.

Pants cost McCain the presidency in 2008.

My new column will feature celebrities who hate pants.  Here’s the first one… Bono.

Today is MLK day, honoring a man who had the courage to fight for his dream of freedom from the oppression and tyranny of pants.

We at TPO have uncovered a secret, alternative version of his famous speech.  One that the government didn’t want you to hear.  Here it is:

I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal, even those who don’t wear pants.”

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of non-pants-wearers and the sons of former non-pants-wearers will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom from pants and justice.

I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by their choice to not wear pants but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day the state of Alabama, whose governor’s lips are presently dripping with the words of interposition and nullification, will be transformed into a situation where little boys and girls who don’t wear pants can frolic in the streets as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

Happy MLK day everyone.