The Pants Offensive

How Gizmodo Really Got the “Lost” iPhone 4G

hambun — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 15:49:51 +0000

Turns out it was all pants’ fault. Sneaky Gizmodo pants that is. Here’s how it went down for Gray Powell (the Apple engineer blamed for leaving the leaked phone at a German pub)…

… and it was all downhill from there for poor Gray Powell.

SEC To Institute No-Pants Policy

hambun — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 15:17:49 +0000

In an effort to repair their tarnished image following the porn scandal at the Securities and Exchange Commission, the SEC just announced that they will enforce a no-pants policy to curb employees from viewing porn during work hours on government computers.

A senior spokesperson from the SEC has said that the new policy will make it much harder to inconspicuously view pornography at the SEC. “By banning pants for all workers, we hope to catch those porn junkies and make it harder for them to hide behind their pants. This will allow us to focus on what really matters, which is figuring out where all the country’s money went.”

We at The Pants Offensive like this thinking and truly hope that such a wonderfully brilliant policy will solve the financial crisis. What do you think?

Pants Trying To Be Non-Pants

hambun — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 02:07:43 +0000

I’ve seen a lot of evidence building up lately of pants trying to be other things besides pants. They are doing this to fool us into more widespread acceptance of their devious pants ways, but let me be the first to say, enough is enough! Pants are and will always be the evil things that they are… pants. Terrible, terrible pants. Don’t be fooled into thinking they are anything more than that. Oh they will try to trick you, but if you have a sharp eye and a keen wit, you can recognize their trickery.

Here are some to look out for:

Is this the new bikini? Nope it's pants, don't be fooled.

Are these your favorite Converse? Nope, they are phony pants.

Don't fall for this trap. Pants will never be pajamas!

If Only Tiger Wore Less Pants

hambun — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 01:57:16 +0000

It’s now been shown that pants were to blame for all of Tiger’s troubles. If you ever thought you could trust pants, just ask Tiger, who will tell you that if he wouldn’t have listened to pants and all their shenanigan’s talk, he would be in much less dire straights right now.

Bull Spears Man For Wearing Pants

hambun — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 12:50:52 +0000

Ya know, it’s just really really dumb to wear pants in front of a bull. Because bulls hate pants. And they are mean. And they weigh about ten times more than you, can run way faster than you, are 50 times stronger than you, and have big pointy horns. One of their favorite things to do is try to spear their giant pointy horns right up your ass if you’re wearing pants. So be careful. It’s best to just not wear pants.

Facebook & Dockers spreading pantalogical blasphemy

Justin — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 23:38:55 +0000

So I logged into Facebook today, as I do approximately 16 times a day, along with the rest of the herd, and what type of filth do I see being spread? Nudity? No. Constant profanity? No. Well, at least if you don’t count that guy I added at that party last week that I said five words to. I see this!

This tells me there are 5,559 (and counting) individuals that have been brainwashed by the cult that is Facebook and the bully that is Dockers. IT IS NOT TIME TO WEAR THE PANTS! It is time to TAKE THE PANTS OFF! We need to fight the good fight while we still have a chance, so Dockers, this is what I have to say to you, punk!

I refuse to become a fan of yours. SO THERE!

Pants Munching

hambun — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 03:09:46 +0000

Pants Leave SWAT Hanging

hambun — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 02:14:23 +0000

A SWAT team officer was left hanging 20 stories high on the side of a building during a high priority raid of a corporate high-rise where a disturbed office worker took several hostages in an armed standoff.

After being rescued from the side of the building after hanging for several hours with his pants around his ankles, officer White said, “It wouldn’t have been so bad, except that the perp saw my ass hanging in the window and thought it was a scare tactic. He then doubled all his demands and became more violent, threatening to harm the hostages if I didn’t stop pressing my butt cheeks against the window. But I couldn’t help it. There wasn’t much I could do. Not much at all. Stupid pants.”

Conan O’Brien set to become pantsless bar?

Justin — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 11:06:52 +0000

Pantsless advocates were in a tizzy (or dither, if you prefer) at the announcement that the set for Conan O’Brien’s late night talk show would possibly become a Cooters pantsless bar and restaurant.

Cooters

Within 60 minutes of the announcement, fans lined the streets outside of the studio, sans pants, and ready to order something warm and tasty and to make history as the first patrons in Cooters history.

Local homeless man Stinky Joe said: “Food? And I don’t gotta wear pants? YEEEEEEEEAH!”

NBC has yet to comment on the plans for the studio, but The Pants Offensive will keep you updated as we contact them (again, sans pants) every hour, on the hour, for more information on this possibly amazing announcement.

Turkeys Hate Pants

hambun — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 01:58:04 +0000