The Pants Offensive

To celebrate No Pants Friday, here are some of the many fun, exciting, some say titillating things you can do with no pants on.

Go for a pantsless drive.

Be a model.

Go shopping Vanessa Hudgens style.

Play arcade games and get drooled on by geeks.

Ride the subway.

Be MacGruber.

Jump and dance in your room.

Be Beyonce.

Grow a sweet stache like this guy and attract strangely dressed women.

Sing to a wall, proclaiming your undying love for walls like this guy.

Get arrested at a playground.

Happy No Pants Friday to all and to all a good night!

Cookie monster developed his uncontrollable love for cookies only minutes after birth, along with his hatred of pants.  He has never worn pants since, or stopped eating cookies.

We can all learn two important lessons from cookie monster.  One, pants are lame and you have to be an idiot to wear them.  Two, cookies are delicious and should be chomped daily.

The phrase “foregone conclusion” might just be the most perfect phrase in the english language.  Hell, it might be the most perfect phrase in any language.  I thought it might be useful to list the various ways you can use this phrase and mingle it into your conversation.  If you do, it’s likely that you will look like a hero as everyone will be impressed with your command of language.

Best uses for “foregone conclusion”

• It’s a foregone conclusion that reading this will make you dumber.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that people who say “TGIF” should be punched in the nuts.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that pants suck.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that wearing capes makes you look like a nerd who has come from the future thinking capes are cool in our time.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that really tall people who drive Minis should be laughed at.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that Europeans are quietly mocking us with their speedo wearing.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that boring people are the ones who never know how to shut up.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that you’ll always be in the slowest lane in traffic, even if you switch lanes.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that someone will fart in the elevator you’re riding in someday.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that diarrhea will strike you at your girlfriend’s house or her parents’ house.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that half the things that made you angry today are stupid.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that your day could be much better without pants.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that the Taliban wear pants.  Should you?
• It’s a foregone conclusion that crime dog McGruff does not wear pants and how cool is he.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that throwing your pants across the bar next time you’re out drinking will make you the coolest guy in the room.  Especially if it’s cold in there.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that pants will revolt against us someday.  We must be prepared.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that if you get “pantsed” you’re first reaction is to be embarrassed.  This is what living in society has done to us.  Next time it happens, pause for just a moment, close your eyes and realize how free you have just become.

If only I lived in NYC, or Chicago, or San Francisco, or… any place with subways, I’d be way cooler because I could participate in the annual no pants subway ride.  Coolest thing ever.  It’s held every year in January.  Perfect weather for sansing the pants and taking a ride.