A senior spokesperson from the SEC has said that the new policy will make it much harder to inconspicuously view pornography at the SEC.  “By banning pants for all workers, we hope to catch those porn junkies and make it harder for them to hide behind their pants.  This will allow us to focus on what really matters, which is figuring out where all the country’s money went.”

We at The Pants Offensive like this thinking and truly hope that such a wonderfully brilliant policy will solve the financial crisis.  What do you think?

We at TPO have uncovered a secret, alternative version of his famous speech.  One that the government didn’t want you to hear.  Here it is:

I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal, even those who don’t wear pants.”

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of non-pants-wearers and the sons of former non-pants-wearers will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom from pants and justice.

I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by their choice to not wear pants but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day the state of Alabama, whose governor’s lips are presently dripping with the words of interposition and nullification, will be transformed into a situation where little boys and girls who don’t wear pants can frolic in the streets as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

Happy MLK day everyone.

Here are a couple photos I shot (sorry that my bare legs are in there, although I am sporting some sweet Argyle socks and Jack Purcell’s).  I wish I could’ve taken more, but the event rules are that you must act normal and not call attention to the fact that people aren’t wearing pants.

The global event was started by ImprovEverywhere, and locally in Minneapolis it was organized by Plan B MN, who did a great job bringing order to the chaos.  Next year I hope to see many more experience the freedom of riding the subway sans pants!  All I can say is, “Down With Pants!!!”

More photos can be seen on Facebook from around the world.

http://improveverywhere.com/2010/01/04/global-no-pants-subway-ride-2010/

For those here in Minneapolis (beautiful warm sunny Minneapolis), here are the details:

The event is on Sunday, January 10th, 2010.

Be at The Mall of America’s transit station at or before 1:45pm on Jan. 10, 2010.

We will board the next available train at 2:00pm. After one or two stops, we will all drop the pants and ride in just you underwear. You are free to join us on OUR TRAIN at any station you choose. We will make one full lap from MOA to Downtown and back.  Be sure to act normal, like nothing is wrong.  Don’t call attention to your lack of pants.  Just act like nothing is out of the ordinary.

After the event, Join us for food and drinks in the mall at Ruby Tuesday, this will be our post-event meeting point, so if you get lost… look for us there!

Bring a backpack to shove your pants into or share with friends.

NOTE: ONLY SHOW UP IF YOU PLAN TO TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS, IF YOU DO NOT PLAN TO TAKE THEM OFF, DO NOT SHOW UP AT ALL. WE WILL HAVE A DEDICATED TEAM THERE TO TAKE PHOTOGRAPHS AND VIDEO OF THE EVENT. PICTURES WILL BE AVAILABLE ONLINE LATER, SO DO NOT COME JUST TO TAKE PICTURES.

LEGAL NOTE: You MAY NOT wear any revealing or “skimpy” clothes. If deemed too revealing, we will ask that you put your pants back on. This includes thongs, jock straps, ass-less chaps… Anything you would not wear to your grandmas…

Here are some photos from past years.

Go for a pantsless drive.

Be a model.

Go shopping Vanessa Hudgens style.

Play arcade games and get drooled on by geeks.

Ride the subway.

Be MacGruber.

Jump and dance in your room.

Be Beyonce.

Grow a sweet stache like this guy and attract strangely dressed women.

Sing to a wall, proclaiming your undying love for walls like this guy.

Get arrested at a playground.

Happy No Pants Friday to all and to all a good night!

We can all learn two important lessons from cookie monster.  One, pants are lame and you have to be an idiot to wear them.  Two, cookies are delicious and should be chomped daily.

Best uses for “foregone conclusion”

• It’s a foregone conclusion that reading this will make you dumber.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that people who say “TGIF” should be punched in the nuts.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that pants suck.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that wearing capes makes you look like a nerd who has come from the future thinking capes are cool in our time.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that really tall people who drive Minis should be laughed at.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that Europeans are quietly mocking us with their speedo wearing.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that boring people are the ones who never know how to shut up.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that you’ll always be in the slowest lane in traffic, even if you switch lanes.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that someone will fart in the elevator you’re riding in someday.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that diarrhea will strike you at your girlfriend’s house or her parents’ house.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that half the things that made you angry today are stupid.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that your day could be much better without pants.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that the Taliban wear pants.  Should you?
• It’s a foregone conclusion that crime dog McGruff does not wear pants and how cool is he.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that throwing your pants across the bar next time you’re out drinking will make you the coolest guy in the room.  Especially if it’s cold in there.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that pants will revolt against us someday.  We must be prepared.
• It’s a foregone conclusion that if you get “pantsed” you’re first reaction is to be embarrassed.  This is what living in society has done to us.  Next time it happens, pause for just a moment, close your eyes and realize how free you have just become.