The Pants Offensive

In an effort to repair their tarnished image following the porn scandal at the Securities and Exchange Commission, the SEC just announced that they will enforce a no-pants policy to curb employees from viewing porn during work hours on government computers.

A senior spokesperson from the SEC has said that the new policy will make it much harder to inconspicuously view pornography at the SEC.  “By banning pants for all workers, we hope to catch those porn junkies and make it harder for them to hide behind their pants.  This will allow us to focus on what really matters, which is figuring out where all the country’s money went.”

We at The Pants Offensive like this thinking and truly hope that such a wonderfully brilliant policy will solve the financial crisis.  What do you think?

Today is MLK day, honoring a man who had the courage to fight for his dream of freedom from the oppression and tyranny of pants.

We at TPO have uncovered a secret, alternative version of his famous speech.  One that the government didn’t want you to hear.  Here it is:

I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal, even those who don’t wear pants.”

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of non-pants-wearers and the sons of former non-pants-wearers will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom from pants and justice.

I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by their choice to not wear pants but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day the state of Alabama, whose governor’s lips are presently dripping with the words of interposition and nullification, will be transformed into a situation where little boys and girls who don’t wear pants can frolic in the streets as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

Happy MLK day everyone.

The No Pants Subway Ride in Minneapolis was a success.  The event took place Sunday, January 10th, on the lightrail from the Mall of America to downtown Mpls and back.  While I don’t have an official count, I would say there was up to 100 people that braved the 15 degree weather and donned their skivvies.

Here are a couple photos I shot (sorry that my bare legs are in there, although I am sporting some sweet Argyle socks and Jack Purcell’s).  I wish I could’ve taken more, but the event rules are that you must act normal and not call attention to the fact that people aren’t wearing pants.

The global event was started by ImprovEverywhere, and locally in Minneapolis it was organized by Plan B MN, who did a great job bringing order to the chaos.  Next year I hope to see many more experience the freedom of riding the subway sans pants!  All I can say is, “Down With Pants!!!”

More photos can be seen on Facebook from around the world.

The annual No Pants Subway Ride 2k10 is January 10th in cities all around the globe.  To find out more about the details in your location, go to this page to find the list:

http://improveverywhere.com/2010/01/04/global-no-pants-subway-ride-2010/

For those here in Minneapolis (beautiful warm sunny Minneapolis), here are the details:

The event is on Sunday, January 10th, 2010.

Be at The Mall of America’s transit station at or before 1:45pm on Jan. 10, 2010.

We will board the next available train at 2:00pm. After one or two stops, we will all drop the pants and ride in just you underwear. You are free to join us on OUR TRAIN at any station you choose. We will make one full lap from MOA to Downtown and back.  Be sure to act normal, like nothing is wrong.  Don’t call attention to your lack of pants.  Just act like nothing is out of the ordinary.

After the event, Join us for food and drinks in the mall at Ruby Tuesday, this will be our post-event meeting point, so if you get lost… look for us there!

Bring a backpack to shove your pants into or share with friends.

NOTE: ONLY SHOW UP IF YOU PLAN TO TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS, IF YOU DO NOT PLAN TO TAKE THEM OFF, DO NOT SHOW UP AT ALL. WE WILL HAVE A DEDICATED TEAM THERE TO TAKE PHOTOGRAPHS AND VIDEO OF THE EVENT. PICTURES WILL BE AVAILABLE ONLINE LATER, SO DO NOT COME JUST TO TAKE PICTURES.

LEGAL NOTE: You MAY NOT wear any revealing or “skimpy” clothes. If deemed too revealing, we will ask that you put your pants back on. This includes thongs, jock straps, ass-less chaps… Anything you would not wear to your grandmas…

Here are some photos from past years.