The Pants Offensive

Pantsless advocates were in a tizzy (or dither, if you prefer) at the announcement that the set for Conan O’Brien’s late night talk show would possibly become a Cooters pantsless bar and restaurant.

Cooters

Within 60 minutes of the announcement, fans lined the streets outside of the studio, sans pants, and ready to order something warm and tasty and to make history as the first patrons in Cooters history.

Local homeless man Stinky Joe said: “Food? And I don’t gotta wear pants? YEEEEEEEEAH!”

NBC has yet to comment on the plans for the studio, but The Pants Offensive will keep you updated as we contact them (again, sans pants) every hour, on the hour, for more information on this possibly amazing announcement.

It’s the worst when pants drug you by poisoning your beers.  Because beers are so tasty.  And pants are so evil.  This guy fell victim to one such attack.  One minute he was drinking beers and hitting on ugly girls.  The next minute he was taken advantage of by pants.  My only question is what happened to his other arm?  I bet pants took it to give high-fives to their other pants friends about the whole thing.  Stupid pants.  They’re so pompous like that.

You may think this is a scene from The Matrix of a guy dodging an array of bullets matrix-style being shot from a gas station refrigerator case.  But let me tell you the real story of what happened here.

This guy fell asleep on his couch after he came home from work.  While the TV was on, suddenly a screen full of static appeared and caused his pants to become possessed by Zuul and eggs to start cooking on his counter.  While he was still sound asleep, his Zuul-possessed pants walked him down to the local gas station, where it’s been rumored that a portal to Gozer exists behind the Mountain Dew refrigerator.

The photo captures the whole scene.  The dude was never heard from again, and Ray, Venkman, and Egon haven’t even been able to find him.

Yet another danger of wearing pants.  Definitely do not wear pants while watching Ghostbusters.  And be wary of secret Mountain Dew refrigerator portals lurking in your local gas station.

While Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab gets all the attention for his attempt to blow up the airplane bound for Detroit on Christmas day 2009, it’s less talked about that he had a brilliant evil-genius for an accomplice… Pants.

Pants were able to sneak in the explosive device and conceal it, inconspicuously ushering it past security checkpoints, metal detectors, K9 bomb sniffing dogs, and the casual unsuspecting public.

How did pants achieve this?  Because they have infiltrated our society.  Everyone is made to wear pants in some shape or form while flying.  If Umar had not been wearing pants, people would clearly have seen the explosive device hiding next to his twig ‘n berries before he even got on the plane.  “Hey, what’s that bomb doing in your underwear?”

Instead, pants brilliantly masterminded this attack attempt.  If no one was wearing pants, and Umar tried to wear pants to conceal the bomb, he would have been extremely suspicious and been searched by security for wearing pants.

The lesson here is, pants should be banned while flying because they are linked to terrorists.

Pants shown plotting their offensive

People, you may have heard.  You may have seen.  You may have felt it.  And you are right… pants are plotting their offensive against us all around the world.

Here you can see a group of sneaky pants scheming in their shifty ways to mastermind some sort of attack on us.

The CIA reports that they have undercover operatives attempting to infiltrate the pants clans and uncover their secret plans for jihad.

Nationwide, FBI and local law enforcement officials have posted alerts to citizens to be on the lookout for gangs of suspicious pants hanging out.  They stress the importance of notifying local authorities rather than trying to approach or instigate the pants in any way due to the gravity of the situation and the rising tension levels between pants and people.

What could they be up to?  According to our CTUPD (Counter Terrorist Unit Pants Division), pants are most likely plotting revenge for all the hungry cracks who try to eat them all the time.  Evidently the animosity over the hungry butt situation has been slowly mounting among pants for some time, and the anger and resentment has been stewing, waiting to ignite into an all out pants offensive.