The Pants Offensive

Turns out it was all pants’ fault.  Sneaky Gizmodo pants that is.  Here’s how it went down for Gray Powell (the Apple engineer blamed for leaving the leaked phone at a German pub)…

… and it was all downhill from there for poor Gray Powell.

I’ve seen a lot of evidence building up lately of pants trying to be other things besides pants. They are doing this to fool us into more widespread acceptance of their devious pants ways, but let me be the first to say, enough is enough!  Pants are and will always be the evil things that they are… pants.  Terrible, terrible pants.  Don’t be fooled into thinking they are anything more than that.  Oh they will try to trick you, but if you have a sharp eye and a keen wit, you can recognize their trickery.

Here are some to look out for:

Is this the new bikini? Nope it's pants, don't be fooled.

Are these your favorite Converse? Nope, they are phony pants.

Don't fall for this trap. Pants will never be pajamas!

Ya know, it’s just really really dumb to wear pants in front of a bull.  Because bulls hate pants.  And they are mean.  And they weigh about ten times more than you, can run way faster than you, are 50 times stronger than you, and have big pointy horns.  One of their favorite things to do is try to spear their giant pointy horns right up your ass if you’re wearing pants.  So be careful.  It’s best to just not wear pants.

So I logged into Facebook today, as I do approximately 16 times a day, along with the rest of the herd, and what type of filth do I see being spread? Nudity? No. Constant profanity? No. Well, at least if you don’t count that guy I added at that party last week that I said five words to. I see this!

This tells me there are 5,559 (and counting) individuals that have been brainwashed by the cult that is Facebook and the bully that is Dockers. IT IS NOT TIME TO WEAR THE PANTS! It is time to TAKE THE PANTS OFF! We need to fight the good fight while we still have a chance, so Dockers, this is what I have to say to you, punk!

I refuse to become a fan of yours. SO THERE!

A SWAT team officer was left hanging 20 stories high on the side of a building during a high priority raid of a corporate high-rise where a disturbed office worker took several hostages in an armed standoff.

After being rescued from the side of the building after hanging for several hours with his pants around his ankles, officer White said, “It wouldn’t have been so bad, except that the perp saw my ass hanging in the window and thought it was a scare tactic.  He then doubled all his demands and became more violent, threatening to harm the hostages if I didn’t stop pressing my butt cheeks against the window.  But I couldn’t help it.  There wasn’t much I could do.  Not much at all.  Stupid pants.”