The Pants Offensive

President Barack Obama is beginning to travel across the country to speak directly with concerned citizens about alternatives to pants in time for the holidays.

“No man, woman, or child needs to continually suffer by wearing outdated and uncomfortable pants that they never wanted to wear in the first place,” Obama said to a cheering Piedmont, North Dakota crowd.  “It is my hope that my newest ’stimulus package’ will go directly through the Senate to be passed in time for the holidays.  America has a lot of challenges.  Our economy is slowly recovering, the unemployment rate is still high, and hard-working Americans are without health insurance.  Above all though, I firmly believe in the right of Americans to have a safe and healthy alternative to pants.”

The president shared a personal story about how he never wore pants until he met his future wife Michelle while attending law school.  “If not for my wife Michelle, I may very well be standing here before you without any pants right now.  There are some says in the Oval Office where I wear swim trunks, hula skirts, and even a thong from time to time.  I want to ensure that all Americans have the same option that politicians do when it comes to wearing pants or not.”

Passing the bill through the Senate won’t be so easy since conservative leaders are already lining up criticizing the president for the cost of another stimulus package.  “I fail to see how President Obama can look the men and women in the eye, men and women that have continued to lose their jobs since he has taken office, and tell them how more of their hard-earned taxpayer dollars are going to be spent on a stimulus package so they don’t have to wear pants,” complained Tom Coburn (R-OK), “I fail to see the benefit other than some pants being more uncomfortable than others.  I hate pants from time to time like all other Americans, but this is not the answer.”

The Senate hopes to vote on the bill before the close of the current session.  Stay tuned for further information.