The Pants Offensive

A SWAT team officer was left hanging 20 stories high on the side of a building during a high priority raid of a corporate high-rise where a disturbed office worker took several hostages in an armed standoff.

After being rescued from the side of the building after hanging for several hours with his pants around his ankles, officer White said, “It wouldn’t have been so bad, except that the perp saw my ass hanging in the window and thought it was a scare tactic.  He then doubled all his demands and became more violent, threatening to harm the hostages if I didn’t stop pressing my butt cheeks against the window.  But I couldn’t help it.  There wasn’t much I could do.  Not much at all.  Stupid pants.”

Pantsless advocates were in a tizzy (or dither, if you prefer) at the announcement that the set for Conan O’Brien’s late night talk show would possibly become a Cooters pantsless bar and restaurant.

Cooters

Within 60 minutes of the announcement, fans lined the streets outside of the studio, sans pants, and ready to order something warm and tasty and to make history as the first patrons in Cooters history.

Local homeless man Stinky Joe said: “Food? And I don’t gotta wear pants? YEEEEEEEEAH!”

NBC has yet to comment on the plans for the studio, but The Pants Offensive will keep you updated as we contact them (again, sans pants) every hour, on the hour, for more information on this possibly amazing announcement.

They ruined his career and gave him giant teeth.