The Pants Offensive

Ya know, it’s just really really dumb to wear pants in front of a bull.  Because bulls hate pants.  And they are mean.  And they weigh about ten times more than you, can run way faster than you, are 50 times stronger than you, and have big pointy horns.  One of their favorite things to do is try to spear their giant pointy horns right up your ass if you’re wearing pants.  So be careful.  It’s best to just not wear pants.

So I logged into Facebook today, as I do approximately 16 times a day, along with the rest of the herd, and what type of filth do I see being spread? Nudity? No. Constant profanity? No. Well, at least if you don’t count that guy I added at that party last week that I said five words to. I see this!

This tells me there are 5,559 (and counting) individuals that have been brainwashed by the cult that is Facebook and the bully that is Dockers. IT IS NOT TIME TO WEAR THE PANTS! It is time to TAKE THE PANTS OFF! We need to fight the good fight while we still have a chance, so Dockers, this is what I have to say to you, punk!

I refuse to become a fan of yours. SO THERE!

A SWAT team officer was left hanging 20 stories high on the side of a building during a high priority raid of a corporate high-rise where a disturbed office worker took several hostages in an armed standoff.

After being rescued from the side of the building after hanging for several hours with his pants around his ankles, officer White said, “It wouldn’t have been so bad, except that the perp saw my ass hanging in the window and thought it was a scare tactic.  He then doubled all his demands and became more violent, threatening to harm the hostages if I didn’t stop pressing my butt cheeks against the window.  But I couldn’t help it.  There wasn’t much I could do.  Not much at all.  Stupid pants.”

Pantsless advocates were in a tizzy (or dither, if you prefer) at the announcement that the set for Conan O’Brien’s late night talk show would possibly become a Cooters pantsless bar and restaurant.

Cooters

Within 60 minutes of the announcement, fans lined the streets outside of the studio, sans pants, and ready to order something warm and tasty and to make history as the first patrons in Cooters history.

Local homeless man Stinky Joe said: “Food? And I don’t gotta wear pants? YEEEEEEEEAH!”

NBC has yet to comment on the plans for the studio, but The Pants Offensive will keep you updated as we contact them (again, sans pants) every hour, on the hour, for more information on this possibly amazing announcement.