The Pants Offensive

Turns out it was all pants’ fault.  Sneaky Gizmodo pants that is.  Here’s how it went down for Gray Powell (the Apple engineer blamed for leaving the leaked phone at a German pub)…

… and it was all downhill from there for poor Gray Powell.

In an effort to repair their tarnished image following the porn scandal at the Securities and Exchange Commission, the SEC just announced that they will enforce a no-pants policy to curb employees from viewing porn during work hours on government computers.

A senior spokesperson from the SEC has said that the new policy will make it much harder to inconspicuously view pornography at the SEC.  “By banning pants for all workers, we hope to catch those porn junkies and make it harder for them to hide behind their pants.  This will allow us to focus on what really matters, which is figuring out where all the country’s money went.”

We at The Pants Offensive like this thinking and truly hope that such a wonderfully brilliant policy will solve the financial crisis.  What do you think?

I’ve seen a lot of evidence building up lately of pants trying to be other things besides pants. They are doing this to fool us into more widespread acceptance of their devious pants ways, but let me be the first to say, enough is enough!  Pants are and will always be the evil things that they are… pants.  Terrible, terrible pants.  Don’t be fooled into thinking they are anything more than that.  Oh they will try to trick you, but if you have a sharp eye and a keen wit, you can recognize their trickery.

Here are some to look out for:

Is this the new bikini? Nope it's pants, don't be fooled.

Are these your favorite Converse? Nope, they are phony pants.

Don't fall for this trap. Pants will never be pajamas!

It’s now been shown that pants were to blame for all of Tiger’s troubles.  If you ever thought you could trust pants, just ask Tiger, who will tell you that if he wouldn’t have listened to pants and all their shenanigan’s talk, he would be in much less dire straights right now.

Ya know, it’s just really really dumb to wear pants in front of a bull.  Because bulls hate pants.  And they are mean.  And they weigh about ten times more than you, can run way faster than you, are 50 times stronger than you, and have big pointy horns.  One of their favorite things to do is try to spear their giant pointy horns right up your ass if you’re wearing pants.  So be careful.  It’s best to just not wear pants.